Home Videos

I was put through a complete whirlwind two nights ago.

I’m putting together a video for my family. We have a couple of tapes-old tapes from many, many years ago. Home movies.

I started watching. I quickly noticed how loud I was as a kid. There is a seven year gap between me and my brother: him being just a baby and me bouncing around was sure to upset my parents. Right?

But fuck. All I really did was just act like an 8 year-old. I wasn’t swearing, being rude. I was just talking excitedly about things.

“Shut up, Allison”

“Be quiet, Allison”

“YOU NEED TO STOP”

“You’re getting into trouble if you don’t stop”!

“ALLISON”! my Dad would basically roar.

Not to mention the back handed/sassy comments from my Dad. One of them included me not hearing him and he said “THANKS Allison” in a super sarcastic tone.

My parents wondered why I was such an atrocious teenager with a “big mouth”. I was literally doing what they did to me back at them.

Worse yet, this triggered something very deep, something hidden for a long, long time in me. All the tension and shaking from just seeing 40 minutes of home videos. I remember how much I cried, how much I just wanted my parents to love me. How much I wanted my Mom to stop drinking (the drugs came later). I remember those days.

I also remember going to counseling around that time and we all were arguing. My Dad was yelling. My Mom was adamant she was sober and making things up. My poor little brother was on the floor playing with a truck. I just remember crying so hard and nearly hyperventilating.   

The counselor later told my grandma if it weren’t for her involvement, they would have placed my brother and I in foster care.

I keep thinking to myself, “How did I survive?” I could really use that now.