Since I’ve gotten a newer car and am now doing payments, I had to cancel my trainer-that was close to $400 a month. I said I was going to return to the gym itself, but then I did not.
At first, I was enjoying sleeping in and then slowly, it happened: I was once again becoming obsessive about my parents and their well being until it took over me almost completely. The most horrifying realization is that my life is no longer my own. AGAIN. I’m stepping on eggshells in my own apartment and life. I’m a literal potato sitting still waiting to be told how to feel.
The feeling still remain. My attachment, my ever encroaching feeling that I have no “right” to be happy if they aren’t. If my Dad tells me my Mom went to bed early because she was becoming “loopy”.
What sucks is that my Dad is currently chair bound. He can get up and shower, use the washroom and make himself something to eat. He feels isolated.
That alone is making me so anxious for him. My Mom tells me he’s an adult and I shouldn’t worry (or in my case, obsessively worry). Seeing this typed on a screen in front of me makes me realize I can’t micromanage his life as I have a lift of my own. The solution enough seems easy.
And I’m back up in my weight. Ugh.
The Phoenix & Grieving 