I’ve been so tired and so irritable lately.
I wake up and I’m tired. It’s part the weather changing and other part tired of my current state of my life.
I keep thinking of my brother. What a hollow hole him not being here has left in my heart. How I can’t believe he is gone.
How horrible my Dad is doing.
He has myasthenia gravis. It’s a terrible, awful disease. Up until three years ago, he was the kind of guy who never saw the doctor and was upset he had to take an aspirin. Barely sick.
Flash forward to now: cysts in his leg, absolutely sedentary, in pain most of the time, has to be on so much prednisone it actually makes my head spin. Awful. It’s also killing my Mom mentally.
My Mom also has spine problems. Her neck has been hurting her. She’s been given this drug that is fucking her up at night. My Dad tells me what’s going on and I feel helpless. I wish I could just tell her to go to bed after taking it. After my brother died, this started all over again. They’re trying to sell the house and my Mom tells me she feels like she’s in limbo.
Grief just escalates all our problems, both mental and physical.
The worst part is, I feel like it’s my responsibility to take care of these issues. I’ve always been the “fixer”. The person people go to to get things done.
But fuck. I feel broken. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be live and try to find happiness.
I realize I don’t take time for myself. I need to. I know. I want my life to be filled with actual life and not sitting and observing like I always have been.
Some days feel hopeless. Others feel okay. Today is a drain. Tomorrow will be better, though. Even if I have to make my own hope, I’ll be okay.
The Phoenix & Grieving 