This past year almost felt like there was a dark cloud hanging over me and my family.
It was frightening and even, at times, disparaging to navigate holidays without my brother. I broke and mended myself so many times. In the end, however, I realize it was just quick patchwork. I was too busy rebuilding my parents while my stitches opened the following days.
Panic attacks are still here. My boyfriend went to hang out with his friend (out of state). I thought some time alone would be good for me. I was wrong.
Every terrible scenario has been playing in my head. It’s not because my intuition; it’s because my mind is so rattled and so beaten, I’m genuinely frazzled. I wish I could take a day off to just sleep. I always focus on what needs to be done versus taking care of me.
For example: when I text someone and they don’t reply back within a minute, my mind goes they were in a car accident; they died and you couldn’t save them in time!
I worked with my doctor to change my medicine, but I’m not sure if this is medicine related or if it’s behavioral related. Ever since my little brother died, it’s like my brain chemistry changed.
I know this sounds bleak and all, but I have these storm clouds and they go away once I’m around people again. I’m a bit of a work in progress.