To choose me feels wrong. It might feel wrong for you, too. You probably think you have to serve others and make sure their needs are met
Don’t worry: it’s not just you.
It’s all the cultural norms, mores (ways of doing things in a society or culture) and upbringing in our American society. This society tells us “it’s wrong to worry about ourselves”.
It’s wrong to be “selfish”.
Selfishness, at its very basic definition, says “the quality or state of caring only for oneself or own interests”. You see where this can be both true and untrue, depending on the situation.
To me, after my brother died, making sure to “choose me” meant to advocate for my right to cry and feel my feelings. To go home after work and spend as much time as I could with my family.
My willingness to change my lifestyle to save my life and just feel better about existing screeched to a halt. I wasn’t doing too badly in 2020 up…until that point.
What I also did (and am doing, admittedly) is making sure my parents were okay emotionally while I ignore my thoughts and feelings. My obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety tell me to worry about my Mom while I dismiss how I feel inside.
To make matters worse, during the month of December, my Mom drank and I ended up finding her in the bathroom. She wasn’t responsive and I had to call 911. I became obsessed wondering how she felt days after.
That’ also the time I contracted COVID. It was an awful couple of weeks. Things are okay with my parents again, but it also adds to the list of reasons why I hate December.
So here I am, Day 7 of the New Year, and I have to ask myself: when am I going to choose me again?
The Phoenix & Grieving 